I love life, and I love living with passion. I am extremely expressive and an emotional person.

I forgot that I was intense. Emotionally intense.

Truly, I had forgotten over these many years that I express myself with an intensity that is uncommon. Not only do I express with intensity, but I say exactly what is on my mind without little to no self-censoring. I used to think this was the right way to be, fully transparent, honest, and authentic. However, that doesn’t work for everyone. In fact, I have realized that it has some unexpected consequences. It was after a couple of remarks from an acquaintance that I stopped to consider the way that I interact with others. I had a good conversation with my sister today, and another not-so-good-but-got-the-feedback-I-requested conversation.

It seems obvious: I. Am/Can Be. Intense. I recollect a sketch comedy character I created way back in my 20’s who was simply called, “Intense”. I would dramatically come into the scene and emphatically remark, “I. Am. Intense.” (Strike a pose)

I have lived my life with freedom of expression. Sure, when I was a kid, I was forbidden and even mocked for crying. I was called dramatic. I was told that just because I can say the truth, doesn’t mean that people want to hear it. Funny how I never equated these remarks with the term “intense”. I think if it had been worded that way, I might have been able to tone it down more often. Even the phrase “tone it down” can garner a feeling of being criticized.

The most eye-opening feedback I received on the subject today was that it can make the listener feel unsure about how to respond, or what they should say. It is this unsurety that leads to an insecurity in the other person. As I reflected on this truth, I realized that could be a possible reason why others may not enjoy my company. Perhaps, my unusually intense way of being, even if I think I am holding back, is making others feel insecure about their own expression or silence.

I do not want to evoke this response in others. There is no way that I would ever purposely make someone else feel bad. Granted, I have said a lot of things without thinking about how it will be received because my priority is to express my truth; to make sure people knew where I stood. It is entirely possible, and probable, that I can be a little insensitive about how it feels to be on the receiving end of my expression. In my defense, and aside from the natural evolution of my character, there is a reason I became this way. It was on purpose.

In my early 20’s, I came to realize that I didn’t like not knowing where I stood with other people. I often asked them what they thought were qualities I could improve about myself. I would ask, “What are five qualities you think I can improve about myself?” After a few weird looks and remarks like “That really shows your low self esteem”, I decided that I would openly express myself so that others would always know where I stood. And so it began, the neverending expression by talking, always talking. It wasn’t until I was in my 40’s that the realization of my own selfishness dawned on me. My desire to have others know where I was at had become, at times, an imposition on their time or air space. Even though I wanted others to know where they stood with me, maybe they didn’t want to know. Perhaps they didn’t care to hear it. How selfish of me to always be talking and making sure they knew where I stood. Maybe they would have rather had silence. Or, maybe they were uncomfortable not knowing how to respond. I began to curtail how much I talked. I decided to channel the volumes of self-expression that I could not contain into creative outlets of writing, art, music, sculpture, even sewing. My hope is that if people want to know about me, they can choose when they want to take the time to listen, view, or receive my expression. If I make videos or write letters and books, a person can pause when they want and come back to it when they want. They can choose when to receive it and how much they want to receive at a time. Because I am intense, I like to receive it all at once. And then talk about it. And ask you about it. And and and… you get the picture.

In my study of ego vs no-ego over the past 3 years, I also came to realize that expressing myself was rooted in ego. What makes what I have to say or express so important that I have to express it? Why was I not choosing to NOT remark, to NOT share EVERYTHING?? Most people would never believe that I have become a quieter person, wanting to be more of a listener than a talker. That doesn’t mean I don’t have stories to tell, but I want to be mindful of ego and all of the ways it manifests. After all, it is ego right now in this blog that perpetuates each word, each paragraph.

The freedom to live one’s life the way they choose to live it has always been a strong belief that I support. However, I needed this check-in to realize that maybe it’s true, that I do need to chill out more often. (I know, some of you who know me are like, but Dawn, you ARE chill.) Being chill is more of an observed trait, so it relies on what others’ perception or experience of you actually is. Good thing I am mature enough to consider any comment with which I may or may not agree. I am going to work on containing more of my intensity around others while still enjoying the freedom to just be myself. I already know that one challenge is determining what is intense and what is “even”. You see, I often think I am being calm and even but it STILL is perceived as too much. How. Can. I. Know.???

When I get feedback, I do consider what truth exists or may exist within that comment. I know myself very well, and I know what I am and what I am not. Unfortunately, I can never have a third person experience of myself. In the moment of negative feedback, one does not always realize the ways in which feedback might be true, even in a small way or by pointing at something more deeply rooted. Most of us get defensive. We may even lash out at the other person with anger or passive-aggressive behaviour. Perhaps the words used were too extreme. Perhaps we felt attacked. Perhaps we didn’t like that a trait we thought we had conquered came back to bite us in the a**. Perhaps the comment is baseless or assumptive. Perhaps we are tired. Perhaps the person giving us feedback is arrogant. Perhaps the feedback is coming from someone who is always pointing a finger elsewhere and taking little account for their own behaviour and words.

We all have traits that need work. I certainly can be improved upon. I became more aware of these things I learned and then forgot about ONLY as a result of someone giving me feedback, however it was delivered. Self-awareness is good. Relearning is good. Improving is good.

I love and want to grow. I should remember this when I have my faults pointed out, so that I can be more grateful. How many of us are remembering gratitude when our weaknesses are brought to light, and especially if in a manner that is untimely or insensitive? Besides, do you have to tell me what you don’t like about me with so much INTENSITY? Lol. I love living life to its fullest, but I have to consider that my intensity and the way I come across could become a detriment to having better friendships and intimate relationships. Since I want to build strong and loving relationships, I am going to make more of an effort to be aware of the intensity with which I carry myself. Perhaps I will have the courage to return to those same questions I used to ask others, asking them directly about what their experience is of me. Hopefully, they can be kind in their response. True, direct, and kind. Ultimately, don’t ask the question if you don’t want the answer. I cannot promise any big changes, because I am who I am. I am an intense, expressive, and very passionate person who enjoys being that way. But, I also want those around me to be comfortable and enjoy my company. Hopefully, I can find the best balance between being the composed and gentle spirit, and the fiery and passionate woman. Perhaps I will leave the intensity for the books and artwork that I create. Nah. I am still going to talk a lot hahaha, but maybe more quietly…?

What do you consider “intense”? Will talking more quietly lessen my intensity? Would you like to share how you like to be spoken to when someone is feeling very strongly about any given moment? Do you have the strength to receive feedback from others when it is about a personality trait that is less than positive?

Thank you for sharing time. I find my post today a bit unusual, albeit necessary.

Intensely yours,

With lotsa love,

Dawn