I chose to head off this article with the most referenced quote in regards to cleanliness. I also found it interesting that THIS quote was also available there on the internet right beside it:

And so I begin to share my opinion and realizations on cleanliness…

I grew up in a very clean home. My Mom made sure everything was always clean. She was a homemaker by profession, looking after a household of up to 9 people. I was doing dishes from the time I was pre-school, standing on an old flour cannister for my weekly night. You weren’t done at the sink until the dishes were inspected by Mom. If it wasn’t to her standard, it went back into the sink for you to do again. Needless to say, I became excellent at washing dishes. Excellent.

In our family, we had weekly chores that EVERYONE had to do. There was a schedule, and it was called for to do it Saturday mornings. It definitely was part of life, and not something that a person would ever think to question, about ‘why do you want it clean’. Myself, I was a very clean individual. I kept my body clean, my mind not so much hahaha. My bedroom was always orderly, tidy, vacuumed, dusted, and rarely was anything out of place.

The biggest influence on my cleanliness after becoming a working adult was when I lived with a man at a very young age. His habits became my habits after he criticized my level of productivity and always having to be doing something. He convinced me that I didn’t always have to be productive, that I could sit and watch tv all night if I wanted. I succumbed, as I was young, impressionable, and desperate to be loved. I ended up becoming lazy at home, but not at work. I was always known for being a hard worker at my jobs, and that made me feel good. When I finally escaped that relationship, I began the return to my old habits of cleanliness and being orderly.

When I got married, keeping things tidy became an issue again for me. I had clearly asserted myself to my partner that I did not want to be expected to do certain things just because I was a female, things like laundry, dishes, and cleaning. I clearly expressed my need and want for both of us to be responsible for making sure those things got done. He insisted that he did not have this expectation of me, but his actions showed otherwise. If I didn’t do it, it didn’t get done. And if he had to do it, it was with the very obvious attitude that he was not enjoying it. I was expected to do all the cleaning all the time. I was expected to cook all the meals and then clean up after the meals. It was my “duty”. He “didn’t like doing…” The ONLY thing that ended up changing this dynamic was when I explicitly went on strike and stopped. I watched the dishes pile up, and I HATED it. It was very hard not to wash them. It took a whole week for him to finally wash the dishes for the first time in our relationship, and then he would do them about once a week. Even that small trade off was worth it for me. I did have to LET GO of my ingrained expectation of excellence, that the dishes would be perfectly clean. I had to focus on just being grateful. There also came a point where he was no longer “allowed” to wash certain collector items, because he sometimes broke glassware just trying to wash it…. ?

We tried a weekly schedule for us to alternate chores and tasks, but that lasted one week. The consequence of all of this struggle? I got completely fed up with cleaning up after two adults. I was tired of cleaning, and then it being untidy within MINUTES. Effort wasn’t even made to put the empties back in the empties area, right below the countertop where they were lazily placed. What was the point? As my marriage marched on towards my depression, I became comfortable with the state of my home, no matter what, because I had stopped caring about anything. Although, I had always kept my body clean in every way, no matter my state of mind.

When I separated and moved here four years ago, I finally had the freedom to do what I wanted, whenever I wanted, and without anyone else to worry about. No one else telling me what I could or could not do. No one telling me where I could or could not put anything. And, no one else to clean up after!!! I even had a built in vacuum cleaner! Life was grand! I loved my independence and freedom to live in a space all my own!

And then, little by little, obstacles began again. My vacuum cleaner stopped working, and the one I bought to replace it died. My birds were out of control with their mess because of how much free time I gave them. I had put their needs above my own and I could not keep on top of cleaning. My work was diminished due to work restrictions and discrimination. I should also mention that I have lived without a shower/tub in my home for the past four years. I make do with the lake in the summer, and the rec center in a nearby city in the winter. I had saved up money for a 4-piece bathroom, then had to buy a car when mine died. I saved up money again for a bathroom, and now can’t get any contractors to do it, nevermind provide a simple quote. I came to know how much it can affect a person’s overall demeanour, not having a shower or tub to use everyday or simply to warm up or relax in. My depression was returning. If I couldn’t keep my body clean everyday, what difference did my environment make??

My bad habits grew and I had no reason to change. I still enjoyed my freedom and solitude, but also never had to clean up for company. When my sister visited from the states, I invited her to come and visit, knowing I had not cleaned up (we were both in Regina at the time). I decided to be okay with the state of my house and focus on the company. When the topic came up of her moving in with me if she needed to, she looked around and said, “Where is my stuff going to go?” Personally, I knew that if someone were to move in with me, obviously I would be making equal space for them; that never would have been an issue. But, her comment did make me realize how much stuff I lived with.

After that, I started to reorganize and tidy. I realized that it helped my attention deficit if I had less stuff to look at. I started to throw a sheet over a bunch of mismatched items, and it helped my mind. I do not have any closets here (yet), so organizing things better was the only thing I could do prior to a massive decluttering. My Mom came for Christmas, and it was VERY motivating. Wanting her to be comfortable and even impressed with my home, I cleaned from top to bottom and to a very high standard. It felt great! She felt comfortable here, and I knew I had achieved something! It really was a great feeling, and a milestone for me to actually impress my Mom with my cleaning.

Those who know me know that I am a busy person with many interests and responsibilities to others, my work, and my home. Since moving here, I have been working my yard diligently for the past four spring-summer-fall seasons to turn a 100-Year-old parking lot into 10 gardens. I go in and out of my basement with my boots on because it is not logical Time-wise to have to take them on and off each time. This does create a level of dirtiness that I did not clean every day. Earlier this year, an acquaintance suggested a local rummage sale, and I was happy to finally move along a lot of my material items. But, pulling items out of every corner created a big disorganized mess. This was all happening while I had covid for three weeks, and the last thing on my mind was cleaning everything for company. I was already behind in my transplanting for spring sales, and, to be blunt, my place was A DISASTER ZONE.

I had the opportunity for a visitor who I wanted to invite inside my home. It was short notice and I KNEW my place was a disaster, but I decided to invite them in anyway. In hindsight, I wish I hadn’t. I had also decided that for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I WAS NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE for the state of my home. Wow, I have never been so wrong. This acquaintance is a neat freak, like, REALLY neat. In fact, I am willing to bet that this person thought my home was BEYOND FILTHY. I didn’t realize that this person was like that until only recently with a few additional remarks about other people’s filth, which I didn’t think was that bad. In hindsight, I believe that seeing my home in that state early on has really affected that person’s opinion of me, and that makes me regret both of my decisions, to have them inside and to not apologize for the state of cleanliness.

Consequence? It was a VERY GOOD REALITY CHECK. It was time for me to realize how out of hand my bad habit of not keeping things clean had become, and how it might make my company feel about being here, or about me.

I have gotten back into the mindset of tidying as I go and remembering the standards with which I was raised. I am also finally ready to let go of items that I own, even sentimental ones, and get rid of everything that I am not actively using in a week. I do still have the birds, and they provide the biggest mess of any activity. I have to be on top of making sure that I schedule daily cleaning, as I end up doing so many things in a day and if I don’t schedule it, it doesn’t happen.

Unfortunately, I think the opinion of my acquaintance may be irreparable, but I am hoping not. Perhaps one day in 2023, they might return to my place and see that I am not an untidy person. It did raise my awareness of expectation in this particular geographic area, an expectation that I asked a few local and long-time residents about and they agreed: women are expected to have a regular job, and still provide the meals, AND keep a spotless home. O. M. G. Will that ever be me? I am thinking it is possible, since my mindset is still that of the young girl who was raised by my mother. However, the independent Dawn of my age does not like to be living under the expectations of others.

From my Mom’s own lips, I take solace in this quote from her: “I am coming to see you, not your house.” (I think at one time, she also had said, “I am coming to see you, not your mess”. Lol)

I have considered that the state in which I keep my home might be a reflection of my level of self-respect. But, is it necessarily indicative of a lack of self-respect just because I don’t feel the need to spend extra time every day vacuuming my whole house? Everyone has different priorities. I think that cleanliness of my environment wasn’t too high on the list for various reasons.

A large factor is running my first business and saying there is a lot of equipment is an understatement: balloon twisting kits, face painting kits, puppetry sets, puppets, props and a 5 panel portable staging unit, sets and curtains for two large stage shows, science kits for ten different workshops and shows, several boxes of art supplies, large sheets of coreplast to create signs, sewing material for costumes, costumes and wigs, hats and purses…. at least half of all of my possessions are a result of this one business in the performing arts, training, and creative services. It has been difficult to decide to finally let it go and move on to other things, but I look forward to not having all that stuff.

Another factor is my extreme dislike for wastefulness. I do not easily throw things in the garbage, and try to repurpose, recycle, or retain for future use. My father used to fix things, never throwing them out. I became the same. I also kept a lot of items that I can see using in future projects and builds. Since I am so creative, I have a lot of materials and supplies to build what I need from scratch. I myself couldn’t believe it when some of those articles were actually the PERFECT item in some projects just this past year. It was very rewarding, but … only a few articles out of hundreds? I need to declutter those items, and it won’t just be by asking if they bring me joy or not.

I never had a lot of possessions in my life, in my childhood or in my career as an artist. I was NOT starving, but I rarely had anything brand new. From youth, I was given a lot of used, reused, donated, hand-me-downs of everything I owned. Everything. I think figuring out the root influence and breaking away from that mindset is also crucial to going forward.

And finally, I was bad at shopping. Or, rather, good at shopping. I was the person who would buy things because they were “such a good deal”, even if they were not on my immediate needs list. I could also write off a lot of supplies as business expenses, so again, my shopping habit was enforced.

Whether it is clutter, inventory, or bad habits, I have added to my list of life goals: “To live in a clean and tidy home.” I know now that if I have less stuff, I have less to clean, less to collect dust. I was never one much for collecting things that sat there and looked cute, but I have received gifts from others that might fit that description. I know my mind will benefit from having less around me, and thus my productivity will also increase greatly. As far as having my own shower and tub after four years without, I have begun to learn and apply carpentry skills in hopes that I will gain the confidence needed to frame my own bathroom wall. Fingers crossed!

My Reasons to Be Clean and Tidy:

1. Fewer items around means there is less to clean!
2. My attention deficit will enjoy fewer items to distract my eye and mind, peripherally or otherwise
3. I am always ready for company.
4. I enjoy living in a clean environment.
5. Less allergic reactions (they aren’t that bad, but trying to think of all the good points)
6. Impress a man who is looking for a woman who keeps a clean and tidy home.
7. Fewer items to move if I end up moving again.
8. More time to focus on everything else besides my clutter and mess.
9. Self-respect, although I am still not sure I completely agree that it is or is not indicative of the amount of self respect a person has. I think personal hygiene is more indicative of that.

All in all, I am looking forward to living in a clean and tidy home again. And who knows, maybe my dream man will come over and see what I have done with the place. Hopefully, he is coming to see ME, not just my tidy home.

I am grateful for the overt comments made to me that have helped me discover the level of cleanliness I want to live by. I can see more benefits of being a clean and tidy person. I don’t think I could have written about it if I had not reached this point.

Please pray for me to keep on this path towards a clean and tidy home. Thank you for sharing time in reading this. I know it is long… and cluttered…. lol

Love,

Dawn